Do you ever have one of those days, weeks, months when everything feels further away than usual?
Suddenly reaching the remote control on your bedside table feels akin to doing a long jump.
Your bottle of water might as well be across a football field.
You hold off going to the bathroom for as long as physically possible because you aren’t ready to run that marathon.
The kitchen? Forget it, you aren’t going there today.
Some of us face this a lot. Sometimes for days, weeks or even months at a time. It may feel differently to different people or depending on the day. I sometimes feel like I am in slow motion, like every movement of my finger on the keyboard takes minutes to execute. Other times I feel gravity’s pull on the weight of my body far more than usual. Sometimes I ache, feeling like I will never recover from the sheer act of sitting up in bed to reach that remote control. But in all of these sensations, things feel far from me.
I wish I could say it was just the objects that feel far from me. People and the things that are important to me often feel distant, guarded by an unbreakable barrier. While my husband is at work it feels like he is gone on an overseas trip from which he might never return. My mom being away on vacation feels like I will never see her or feel her support again. And anyone who unlike my husband and mom doesn’t live with me or within a few minutes from me, they feel so removed I might as well have dreamt them up. Who knows, maybe they are imaginary friends. And even when those people try to breach the great divide for me; they make plans to come visit, they are driving to me, they are at my doorstep, I have to send them away. Because the physical distance isn’t really the problem, even an inch away from their face I would feel like they were on another planet. I’m just an alien and whether they realize it or not, they truly don’t want to see me. I’m doing them a service by cancelling their visit. Just like I am doing the world a service by staying in my bedroom all day.
Thought distortions… fun things, huh?
Part of my hope with this blog is to help fill the space between me and those things that matter to me. Part of my hope with this blog is to help others who experience this sensation know that there are other people living on their planet. Somehow, I can write things here knowing they will be read by people to whom I could never directly express these feelings so candidly and yet be glad that perhaps they are reading them. Maybe the best friends will know they are still so important to me. Maybe my mom will know just how much I miss her when she is on vacation. Maybe someone else caught on their own planet of depression will feel as though someone has understood a little part of them.